Chapter 3 My Honey, My Wife

With Ivy resettling into home once again, I thought the whole episode is passé.

My skirt-chasing days was about to sprint ahead with great potential, I reckon. Armed with an UK honours degree and my well-heeled engineer job in a top American multinational organisation. I thought it would put me in good stead. But with Ivy on the tow, it would be an instant turn-off with any sensible woman. Who would ever want to start a family with you having a ready-made mentally handicapped 'child'?. Worst of all, a 'child' that is not mine, of flesh and blood. Let alone start a courtship on the wrong footing. My stake on the board is a sure loser. It
does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that.

I believe in marriage but at that time of my life, it was not on my card. But then again, I was not getting younger. And I felt I was not model material that women would make a beeline for me. Redeemably married female colleagues often said I displayed some 'good husband' materials....whatever that meant.

In all honesty, I knew it was a risky decision to have Ivy as my ‘child’. I needed a strong heart to face rejection of marriage and liquidate everything. Reality finally hit home. Ivy had always faced disapproving looks from the rest of society. The shadow of rejection is always present. This thought cast a long shadow on my mind.

After losing much sleep and hair over my marriage thoughts and fears, I looked set to bite the dust. It was a long shot. I felt a knot in my heart, the social repercussion was significant. But I thank God that I had found a woman whom was willing to toe the line. Ivy was my burden and she was willing to share it with me. She did not have to do it, didn't she? She is Debbie Pang.

I was pleasantly surprised and thankful that Ivy was never on the negotiation table for our marriage agreement - the ultimatum of Ivy or her.

We finally got married in 1990. On our wedding dinner, I ensured that my family members bring Ivy along to the dinner. She sat happily beside the VIP table. But in the midst of the wedding toast, Ivy suddenly disappeared from her seat. I was shaken. Later I found out that she was whisked away under wraps to our bridal hotel room. I was furious because I was later told that she should be kept away during this auspicious occasion as Ivy was attracting awkard stares at the VIP table. I immediately directed my sister to bring her back to the wedding dinner.

It has been 19 years since we got married. My wife, Debbie, had not a hint of regret niggled at the back of her mind and more than willing to last the distance with me. Knowing fully well that it is unlikely that we will have to fight only one or two battles ahead for Ivy. On both the personal and the public front, it is a long road. And it has been.

We are like astronauts, jettisoning the booster rockets, shooting into the deep, dark space, trusting that the moon is there, waiting for our arrival. Debbie had come to accept her on her terms and open herself to whatever discoveries and surprises Ivy may lead her to. It is a lifelong calling and she was very forthcoming to any cracks that might open in our relationship.

My wife Debbie is a woman who lived a life beyond extraordinary, personified grace and humility. She projected the strength, character, heart and substance to take care of Ivy with me.


Money No Enough

Since 1985 when I first brought Ivy back from the old folk’s home, the Ministry of Social Welfare had stopped financial aid, including free medical care. I had to take full financial responsibility for her - for life. Legally adopting Ivy seemed to be a simple option for me. But what if Ivy outlives me and she was legally my `child’. When this happens, my wife would be left with a burden of sanctioned support from the relevant ministries?

Ironically, in March 1992 I suffered a sudden illness. My prognosis was very poor. I was pronounced to die in six months time by two different doctors from separate hospitals(Singapore General Hospital and Mount Elizabeth Hospital). But I breathe on the legacy that I need to take care of Ivy. Heaven can wait - I live. It was a prenatal to death. I have grown stronger.

The decision made to take care of Ivy comes with great responsibility both financially and emotionally. Was it calculated risk I took before I made the decision? No, it was not calculated at all. If I ever did, I would have a nervous breakdown.

For the record, I do not a have deep pocket nor was I born with a silver spoon from a pedigreed background. But earned enough to put food on the table for a family of eight - my mother, myself, wife, three young children, Ivy and a maid. My bank account has not been 'scraping the bottom' before pay day. Thank God for His provision. When my children were at pre-school age, the children needed more attention from the maid. Ivy was soon neglected at times. I decided to hire another maid solely to take care Ivy. She needs full attention right from changing, using the toilet, bathing...whatever a two-year old child needed. A high- octane effort all year round. But after four years, family expenses mounted, I had to make do with just one maid.

In year 1996, I was featured on the very first 'Extraordinary People' series on national TV in Singapore. It enacted on how Ivy came into our lives and lived through years under our care. That series won Media Corporation of Singapore a prize in the documentary category. I was once again featured on follow-up season of the 'Extraordinary People' series - `Changing Lives’. The producer of the programme hoped to relive the last season since first series in 1996.. The second series was repeatedly telecasted both in the Chinese and English channels in Singapore .
It was also widely shown in many Asian TV channels including Hong Kong, Thailand, Philippines etc . After the telecast, I received numerous offers to help Ivy in various ways. One neighbourhood hair salon offered free monthly haircuts for Ivy. I guess the salon owner had seen the scene on the programme where me and my wife were giving a half-baked haircut at home for Ivy.

A long-time friend of mine was so touched that he immediately sent a cheque of $500 ( which I refused to bank-in). A stranger, Lee KC, wrote to me emails repeatedly, offering to support Ivy financially. I thanked him for his good gesture and turned him down entirely.


Voices from my wife - Debbie Pang

Before our marriage, I had always been inundated with the same question by others on why I bother to take up the cross with Geok Hua in taking care of a Down Syndrome girl Ivy. There was no reason why I should burden myself. . All things considered, friends thought that I should drop him like a hot potato.

I do not regret my choice. The decision was made and the decision comes with great responsibility. I know from the start that he is a man who fought for his principles and was steadfast in his beliefs. It was a mantra he practises to the letter. And he is someone that is beyond money and status. He left his previous well-paid managerial job for a lower-pay teaching career just when his American superior was about to promote him to a director position. He is someone that will not pull the rug when things go awry. Seeing him totally committed to what he was doing warms my heart instead. Though it did take quite a while for me to follow my heart and trusted my instincts. Those things touched me and will continue to do so forever. My husband Geok Hua is a great friend and confidante.

Truth be told, it is indeed a challenge to take care of Ivy and it is not going to get easier. The shadow of uncertainty is always present. But Ivy remains a very endearing figure to us. God used her to touch and change many lives, especially mine. With her, our perspective on life becomes more measured, more considered. But no expenses are spared; no corners are cut in caring for her. Though we are not rich our backs are strong. Whilst walking in faith and clinging to God's promises was not easy. Ivy’s life gives me a new sense of direction about who I wanted to be how I wanted my kids to see me years later. I wanted to be a role model to them and strive to work on this to the best of my abilities. Exemplar of enabling the dreams of the less fortunate in society. It comes from an altruistic desire to help others in painting their dreams. To stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.

Though many a times because of Ivy, I could see his face etched clearly - his feelings of despair, fatigue and helplessness. He has weathered the storms of life and it has worn him thin in his spirit being and burnt-out at times. He refused to be victimised by his circumstances. He is more than a conqueror now as he is passionate about his convictions. He often said that either we
make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.

Ivy’s story depicts a human tragedy in society, abandoned by her own family members except her mother.